Wednesday, December 16, 2009

R & R is upon us

Well, today was day 3 of him home. He came in on Sunday. Not sure what I think of it. At first I thought things were just going to fall right into place, but then things changed. I have heard 2 different ideas of why and what, such as yup, I have to go with my gut and the other that it is deployment stress on both parts and I am letting it get to me. To be honest, at this point I do believe that I do not trust him and that is hard for me to swallow. It is hard for me to say, to think...not what I want to feel. Things said to him were taken so nonchalantly while he was there and I feel they are while he is home as well. That makes emotions run high on my part. I just want to he heard and understood and then reassured while he is here in front of me and not 7000 miles away. I am almost ready for him to just get back on the plane and go back to where he seems to want to be.

Friday, December 11, 2009

What a Scenario/Soap Opera

So...get your imagination going here on this scenario!

There is a girl who grew up in a not so great household with a mother who went through men and not good men either! She has siblings, and they have been in trouble with the law. She has a hard life, but has pushed through. She has found a friend and a "Second family" that she spends alot of time with during her middle school and high school years. She has even "moved in" from time to time.

At 17, she finds herself pregnant and not graduated and really having the possibility of 1 of 2 men for the baby's father. Her now current boyfriend sticks by her for those 9 months believing he is the dad and wanting to be a part of his son's life. He has a sorted past though, and could easily have been just like one of her mother's men that came and went while growing up. The move a few times and end up in a mission up until close to her delivery. Her mother decides to take her in, but says the BF has to stay at the mission.

Her mother makes a room for the baby and has her daughter sleep on the sofa. It has been rumored that she wants the baby for herself and the second "family" is concerned. After the baby is born, concern rises as social services is involved because of the "father's" past criminal history and the welfare of the living situation of the newborn ie. where will they be living and with whom. Things settle, and they return to her mother's.

Shortly after his birth, she moves in with that friend from school into their own apartment. She has found interest in one of the men in her "second family" after all these years. That is until the move-in day to their apartment when she calls and has him come over.

Now, to move along to the issues in this scenario I will fast forward a tad. After having the apartment a month or so, the "father" seems to be hanging out alot at the apartment and the girl and her new bf also do things with him for the sake of the baby. The "father" has not been proven to be the biological father, but the girl says he stuck by her and loves him and is his dad. The bf has his own place and on occasion stays at her place and then other times at his, and on weekends she will go to his place to stay. Come to find out, the "father" is sleeping the the girls bed when the bf is not there. He then ends up staying at the apartment for a month, all the while sleeping in her bed with everyone around thinking they are having sex and concerned for her new bf, cause if you remember from the beginning, the new bf is the girls roommates family member! The whole family is becoming concerned, and although they love the girl as family, he is their main concern.

So, the roommate finds a 30 day notice on their door because the manager knows he is there and has been for over 14 days and is not on the lease. It causes a riff when he is told he has to leave or all of them will be evicted. Things settle, and he goes back to the mission. In the meantime, the girl and the bf are stop seeing each other but the bf has definitely become attached to the baby.

Now, the "father" having a troubled past, has a probation officer and someone calls in that he is in violation of his parole and he is picked up. He spends a few nights in jail, and after 2 weeks of not talking, she calls the bf up to spend time together! He of course jumps right on it because they have so much in common and he is in love with her son. Upon his release from jail, he tries to return to the apartment, where the roommate says no, you can not be here because of your past record and if you are we will get kicked out and he leaves. This does not make the girl too happy, but oh well.

A week or so later, social services shows up looking for the girl and she is not at home. The roommate ask a few questions pertaining to the father and his past and finds that the girl and father have been lying and could have been endangering her baby as well as the girl's son. When confronted, the girl has no remorse and does not care. Things between the roommates are tense and living together is becoming difficult.

After 6 days of no communication and the girl not being home on top of the social worker visit and the lie, the roommate goes to the office and asks for her to be removed from the lease and explains why. The manager agrees that his past puts them at risk and does not want him there either, so eviction is agreed upon. A 30 day notice is given to the girl.

The roommate is worried the bf is going to be angry with her and because he is family, was told to tell him in her own words so that the girl can not misconstrue what really is going on. She does and he seemed to understand. Within a few hours though, that all changes! He calls her crying and upset that the girl just told him that she did not want him in her life and to leave and that his family hates her and she does not want to deal with them.

So.....with all this...the questions I pose are regarding his family. Do you blame the family for being concerned? She was essentially part of their family as well in the beginning. Their relationship was definitely not foreseen by any means! Knowing she is sleeping with one guy and then sleeping with their family member just did not set well. Knowing he was in love with a baby that is not his and trying to ignore those things for the baby's sake was not helping the family rationalize why he was letting himself be put through this. The girl has said to people that she was going to move in with the baby's father in April, so why then do you have a relationship with this family member? After all this, after the concern, after she says to leave, he blames his family and says it is their fault she kicked him out of their lives, because the family treated her like shit. The family has all changed. What do you say to that?!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

leave issue

What is the point of having leave from one date to another if you have to take it earlier and screw up plans? Yes, I should be happy to see him for 2 weeks, but I am not. I am going to spend my Christmas day with my family fighting off tears because he will be leaving the next day. Not spending the last day he is home just as a family and together, I will be at my mom's pretending to be in the Christmas spirit.

He says let's focus on the time we have and not worry about this...yeah well, I am already dreading the goodbyes. Not to mention that I have underlying issues haunting me and bothering me daily when I talk to him. Oh he said, I guess I just do what he says and not worry about something that is out of my control.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Losing Battle

Sometimes things are just a losing battle in life it seems. you can't please everyone and it is even harder when you can't seem to please yourself. How do you overcome the obstacles that keep you from achieving happiness, fulfillment, self gratification and self love?

Friday, December 4, 2009

November Came and Went

Wow! November came and went! Must be from being sick yet again and some other daily stressors in live with the hubby deployed. Ah, such is life!

December is upon us. George will be home for 2 weeks R & R in 10-12 days. It will be so nice to have him home, but so sad to see him go back. I just hope the time he is here goes slowly and the time he is gone will go fast.

I started out on an new business endeavor this past month, and off to a rocky start. Check out the website! I am now selling Gold Canyon Candles!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

October = Terrible Month

This month seems to be just plain awful for me. It just needs to be over again already. My birthday came and went without much of anything...I was miserable. I did go to dinner with Kerry and had endless shrimp, which was yummy and a nice break from the kids. Kerry and I spend alot of time together with the guys gone, but it may be too much of a good thing? Disagreements and on each others nerves, ya know...can put a damper on a friendship. I don't want that to happen so I think I will back off.

G being in Iraq does not make life easier. He has made inquiries about my feelings towards him going back into the Infantry and going back to Bragg. That is a stresser in itself. Do you see how many Infantry guys are getting killed in Afghanistan? That is where he will go if we go back to Bragg. He has also been formally accused by the CSM of inappropriate behavior with a female soldier that he goes to the gym with, eats with, and hangs out with. Did I think things were OK...yeah! Was I worried...NO! Am I, just pissed at the whole thing. He has always said that once he got this rank, he wasn't going to sit quietly by...well, he is. That is just plain frustrating to me. While at Bragg, for years he took the bullshit and it use to piss me off day in and day out. It seems that it is starting all over again, yet this time it has a little more at stake.

I need to just separate myself from him and his work. I need to just stay out of it, not know anything, let the FRG stuff go, and just try to do what I do all day and that is wait to talk to him and deal with kids. You know, there are times I am so jealous of him being there...lets go to the gym and for a run because I am stressed...yeah sure. That would be so nice to do...but then I get to come back to the same stuff that is stressing me out and have nothing changed so what was the use?! Yes, think of him, feel for him, he is in danger, he can be shot at and mortared....screw me sitting on the sidelines.

Today has been a crappy day. It is only half over. He is asleep. Zach is sick. Jordan is at practice. Katie is still at school. I am sitting on my ass. Go me!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

So it;'s my birthday...and I had a horrid night!

So yeah, the night ended last night and the day beginning with me in tears and miserable wanting to be alone. I got onto AKO to talk to my husband, wishing he were here and not in Iraq so that I could just curl up with him and feel some comfort. I think that even through the bawling tears I managed to express my feelings quite well. It helps to write them down, right? Be forewarned, there is inappropriate language.

I am sitting her bawling my eyes out on my bedroom floor where i have been for an hour...after bawling while scrubbing cat piss out of the carpet. cat piss i found while tossing shit in Katie's room looking for markers, crayons, pencils, anything like that after she wrote on her bedroom wall and washing it took the paint off; after she took apart all those corker hair bows I made last summer and got into my tacky glue and was gluing the curly ribbon to her closet wall..while cleaning that mess up finding all the cut up barbie hair and water, glue spilled, rotten apples, more pissed on stuff, trash, pudding cups, 2 spoons.....the glue would have been gotten while one of 2 boys sat at the computer and she took it from one sees anything. no one does anything unless harped on. notes and lists get ignored. they watch me do it all. i am tired, i am tired of being alone, tired of feeling used and hurt, tired about worrying how to feed, clothe and provide for my ungrateful kids who think nothing of me. how do i keep hot water and heat, how do i pay for the uniforms and equipment and drivers ed, how do i manage to pay for more sports, play taxi, let them be kids...when do i get adult time and me time and just have things run smoothly. when will i get my husband when i need him the fucking most? WHEN

how much deeper do i have to fall? do i need to go completely nuts for people to see that i am hurting and crying and feel like a piece of shit everyday and that is why i want to sit alone ya'll want me to leave? say i don;t want to be here anymore? i am only one fucking person and i have all these people around me and i am so fucking alone

i just don't understand how i can give every piece of me to my family and they give nothing back. do i not deserve it? i get laughed at snickered at faces made at mumbled to and about told i am hated. i do everything and give every part of me to every person in this house except me and no one sees that i sacrifice myself daily just to make everyone else happy.

it isn;t money and things it is love and respect and acknowledgment. something i never get. it takes its toll and i can't seem to keep the shit rolling off my back anymore. i have been in tears for nearly 2 hours. i would not let alyssa touch me while scrubbing the floor on my knees. i just want to be acknowledged and loved and respected and not when it benefits everyone else. i need help i have needs just like everyone else but i am so busy dealing with everyone elses needs that i don;t take care of my own and no one ever takes care of mine for me

I am angry at myself for being so weak and angry at our family for obviously the lack of respect in this house goes unseen by everyone and i did not raise my children to be this way. I thought I didn't anyway...but maybe that was wishful thinking on my part. I have known you love me and I have known you would let me do whatever i wanted if i said i wanted it, but it is nice to really be cared for and respected now. I just wish my children could see it too.. I have been beaten down and I am still falling it seems. last March I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life and my kids finding me is what stopped me...but I have to ask, would they care? Yeah, they would, but why? Because there will be no mom here to bitch to, clean up after them, cook for them, hand out money, have their back, baby them, love them...or would it be because they actually love and respect me and all I do for them?

To my hubby: I want and need you desperately but the Army does not care about that. I want to curl up in a ball right now and make everything go away...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Only You Can Love Me This Way - Keith Urban

Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand

That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way

I could’ve turned a different corner
I could’ve gone another place
But I’d a-never had this feeling
That I feel today

And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way


Na na, somebody love you

And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way

Only you can love me this way

New Site...New Outlook....

I found a site through Facebook and a great friend. Hoping to give me a boost during this deployment! Also, a new book I think if I don't "win" I will be purchasing!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Down in the Dumps

I am so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being bored by myself all day and then yearning for the peacefulness after the kids come home. I enjoy them being home, I just hate the arguing and complaining or the laziness. That seems like a lot to dislike when they are home, but not when all 3 seems to fulfill one of each at minimum!

Katie's birthday is Friday. I am a terrible mom, I am not having a party for her. I refuse to give her something she wants right now with all she does daily. Everyday she says she hates me. Everyday she says if I don't let her do something or if I make her sit or stay, or if I hit her she is going to call 911 on me. EVERY DAY!!!! She comes home in a good mood, gives me her school stuff, then wants to go outside. If I tell her no, it starts. If I don't let her have something, it starts! Tonight, she punched Zach in the face! All because she took his seat so she asked him to scoot over, she did not want to move and because he sat there anyway, she punched him!

Trying to "talk" to G is difficult to say the least. One, I believe I should not weigh him down with this stuff, but right now I have no one I really want to talk to about this. I don't want the advice, I just want it to go away. This is my 4th child, my second one that has acted like this. I know what I am suppose to do and how I am suppose to act and what not to give in to and all that great stuff....but this came out of the blue and I don't honestly know where or how to begin. Two, this is his baby girl. I should know how to deal with this and not have such a difficult time with this since I did it with Zach. That is what he said to me tonight!

Zach was draining on me. He still is! Zach caused me anger and fear, heartache, silent arguments within my marriage, hatred towards my child at one point...I have no desire to go through that emotional turmoil again. I have loved this child and yes, babied her and spoiled her and she has been our baby...but this came from nowhere. After her accident, she became very sensitive, but this is much more.

So, I have an appt on Wed for a therapist for Katie. I have to go first and meet with the lady and Katie will go to the next appt. Hopefully this begins to do something positive. I need something positive in my life right now.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Gonna fill this up!

I am soooo gonna fill up this blog in this nest year! I can see it now! With no one to rescue me, to comfort me, to help me keep my sanity, I have to find a way to get this all out! Here it is, 11:40pm on a Sunday and Katie has just now decided that she is going to quit fighting going to bed and fighting with me! Since 8:15 when I told her to get her pajamas on, she started the "you're so mean; stop being grumpy; no wonder everyone hates you; I want daddy; I'm not going to school; I'm not going to sleep". Yes, really, all that! The other day because she thought she was "helping" by bring her clothes upstairs that I folded and instead she has them shoved in drawers, chairs, behind the door, under her bed, and I told her to get them cleaned up before going outside...she decided tot ell me she was going outside and she would climb out on the roof! She took her screen partially out! I literally had to stand guard outside her door! What is wrong with this child all of a sudden? She laughs at soap in her mouth. She pretends to be crying with no tears and the annoying low pitched "waaahhh" and adds the "I want my daddy" in there. She runs from me because she knows she is going to get in trouble...literally runs from me, through the house screaming and hides. She did it in front of people.

I look like an ass letting my child do this. I already had one child do this to me for years. I know I am not a horrid parent and I know my parenting is not perfect, but geez, WTH am I suppose to do????

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Screaming on the Inside

My house has been so loud this week and right now. Yes, quiet when the kids are in school, but when they are all together, they are arguing and fighting and now screaming! I had such a quiet summer. Why do they now have to argue? I can point the finger at one person added to the mixture and that would be Zach being home. He is so bossy and so negative and just kind of an asshole. He and Katie fight, he and Jordan fight and talk about nosy! Went to a fun day with the community today and he had to sit up my ass so he could be in the middle of all the adult conversations. The first hours of him being back was in the car going to my sister's he and Katie bickered and faught back and forth til I screamed for them to shut up and they still didn't! My mother was in the car and just wanted to bust out laughing.

The radio on all night...the computer extremely loud...the clothes and blankets left all over...just it was so peaceful. Maybe it will get better...but it better be soon cause I am ready to say c'ya!

Thursday, September 10, 2009


One is depressed and won't do anything about it. Not that a lot can really be done without complications, but still.

Another is trying to be man of the house. I don;t need a man of the house, I am a mom and I will deal. Just get over it already!

Daughter of mine has become a walking brat and attitude! So hard to ignore but I have to before I break and do something I will regret later.

Yes, another child has become quite the attitude as well. Have I really been such a pushover for all these years that you believe you can walk on me daily?

The estranged is totally estranged now and my doing. I think they believe it is easy for me to turn my back and my heart away. Life will creep up on you quicker than you think.

Bros and sis...making the best of life. I see them pretty regularly and it is nice. Helped sis in her house, enjoy the time with her and her family. Lil bro doing better after his July dilema but has a ways to go; he will survive! Lil'est bro has 2 beautiful babies on their way home from the NICU after only a short stay. They are beautiful and he will make a great, over-protective daddy.

Mom...has become a great friend and someone I talk to almost daily. Finally have that part of my life that I have wanted.

Dad...has become quiet and distant. Can't fix or help when incommunicado! Not going to track him down though, I barely remember to brush my hair daily these days so can't remember to call til it is late.

I guess there are good things and bad things. Why do the good things seem to overpower the bad? So weird how we focus on the negative. There is so much more going on, but don't wanna drag it must go on!

Monday, August 31, 2009

"I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late

I run my life
Or is it running me?
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to you, Baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin' right on through

Our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to you, Baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
I run to you

Oh oh, oh I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to you, Baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
I run to you, I run to you

Oh oh, oh I run to you
I'll run to you girl
Oh Oh

I always run to you
Run to you
Run to"


Do you feel like falling
Falling in a downward spiral
People watching, just watching
Take it all in silently
Let her fall, she can deal,
Just a game
All in her head
Down, down, down
Will anyone catch me
The reality is falling with her
The answer she knows, she dreads

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Been a long while

It has been a looong while since I have posted a blog. Things have just kinda gone in circles for me and fast it seems. Summer is almost over and life really needs to get back to normal with the kids. Zach will be a Junior in high school and is taking some vocational type classes for auto mechanics. Jordan will be in 8th grade and concentrating on sports and his new found interest in God and youth group. Katie will be going back to school after my 3 month attempt at homeschooling. The principal has left her school so I feel she can go back. George deployed to Iraq on July 19th for a year. He is in Basrah at a base formerly ran by the British and it has very few amenities until the US has started building! By the time he leaves it may be almost up-to-par to live at, and then we will give it all back to the Iraqi's! What a waste of money!

I will be heading to Hawaii in October for a friend's retirement from the Navy after 30 years! I am planning a week, but boy I wish it could be more! George and I still both miss it so much and we are really planning to be back in the future for good! Me...well, I am just getting by. I have a few things in the works for me, but nothing I am saying until it is actually a go and I may not say anything until completed! I need to just get up and finish something I start and do what I need to do for a self esteem boost! I have been told to start taking more pics and get back into what I loved before coming to WA, maybe going back to Hawaii and having my new cam will help me. I am sure I will take some wonderful pictures there. Maybe it will interest me more in finding the beauty here in WA.

Anyway, there is a small update on me. Nothing much going on here with the exception of procrastinating and laziness lately. I will try to post on here more often, it will help me I am sure!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy New Year! NOT

So the first day of the new year and I started off with hearing Zach cussing to “get out of his fucking room” to Katie then banging on the wall because Jordan flushed the toilet…mind you it was after noon. When he did get up he was complaining of something downstairs and I told all of them they needed to get upstairs and clean their rooms and I got the famous “whatever” from him. That just threw me into a tissy…I am so sick of living day to day having a normal child when on his meds and a spouting one when he is not. He was just gonna go upstairs and get into bed and stay there rather than doing anything, so I tossed the pillows, sheets, comforters and mattresses down the stairs and said have at it! I also gave him all the information I have on Jim, ssn, last phone number, his parents address, and Jim’s last gig he did in Portland. I told him that if he were so unhappy to leave…he then told me I needed the doctor and I have anger problems and that after I kick him out the family will hate me and think I have issues so I told him I did not care what the family thinks of me and if they think so poorly of me why does he not call them and tell them his story and say he needs a place to live?! He told me I am a liar that I go to Walmart and craft stores and spend money but when they want something I tell them we have no money. I am not allowed the pleasures of doing anything for myself, it is all for them of nothing at all it seems. So, I took all he got for Christmas. He does not deserve it. He has continued to do whatever he pleases all day and cares nothing about anything anyone has to say. So be it.

Jordan is clearly just trying to avoid home whenever possible. When he is here, I am telling them to do chores or they are fighting. That is all that seems to go on in this house between the kids…and the chores are a joke. No one does anything without being told and then it is a blame game of who has not done it lately or who made the mess. Jordan’s mouth just tells me he is fed up, and I do not blame him, but I don’t want to hear it either.

Katie has become a small Zach when throwing her fits and the name calling and yelling. It is so glorious to have them both in the same household at times. She is definitely ADHD and I want so much to not have her that way. I don’t want to deal with all the same troubles I have had to deal with over the past 10 years.

As I sat listening to Zach tell me about how I needed help after coming downstairs and sitting here today I realized how unhappy I really am and really that I do need some help. I can not imagine doing anything else but being right here all the time. Thinking of what would happen to my kids, husband, the schools, the bills if I were not around. I sat and thought that is really what needs to happen; maybe I need to go away, be locked up! I am happy when G and I area alone together and sitting here or going somewhere, but HELLO!!! We are not alone and will not be for at least 12 years! I need to be happy all the time.

Look at it this way…who does the school contact for illness, report cards, money needed, IEP meetings, suspension or detentions? Who has attended almost every school function, conference, teacher meetings, corresponding emails? Who prepares for the school year, does the list making and the question asking about classes, teachers, any issues? Who cleans up after everything daily? Dishes, counters, endless laundry? Yes, G does a lot. But not daily! Who grocery shops and makes sure that there is food, even if it isn’t what people want; who turns on the utilities, pays the utilities, starts and stops allotments, makes sure that everyone has soap, razors, underwear? Yes, G is the breadwinner, but hey, who had to give up their job to care for their child? I could have kept the job and been fine I suppose, but then I would feel guilty like I always do when I am not there for my kids and husband at all times. That is why I have never worked during the summer because I would hate for them to think that we could not go to the beach or the pool or do whatever during their vacation time! Always thinking of them and not myself!

So, I have come to the conclusion today that I really need someone to talk to and new meds and time alone. I am blowing up like a balloon, have no care to sleep or when I am asleep to wake up. I look like shit and just don’t care..I could stay in pajamas all day. I have not been on the computer in forever and didn’t miss it just like I hate hearing the phone ring and don’t miss talking to anyone either. I miss friends, and I miss being able to just go do something. My photography hobby has pretty well wandered away since I have nothing that really interests me to take pictures of. I am suppose to start working for Jackson Hewitt next week and I really just could care less and have no desire to do it. I am going to quit the fire department as well…the EMT program…just isn’t for me. I may just quit cadets too since Zach seems to think that if he does not go to everything at the fire department that I should not be there either because he is the one that got started in it. And, if no one shows up on the 8th for Girl Scouts, I will be stepping down from that as well. Then it will be me in the house as normal! Lol