Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dear Dad

Well, it seems I have been written out of your life. I have my thoughts on why, but I am not going to worry about it. We are both adults, and asking questions, no matter how uncomfortable they might be, is something adults do. Instead of asking me or talking to me, on my assumption as to what you are angry about, you just decided it was easier to get mad and hold a grudge and disown your own child. I just can't do the stress of trying to hold things together for and with everyone in my life. For once I realize that relationships work two ways and you meet in the middle, not one person going further than the other.

I am sorry you have been sick. Although I get told months later, I still worry. It just makes me wonder when or if I will get the call when something serious happens to you. When it is too late? Does the past 36 years of my life and our relationship mean nothing to you? I have stuck by you and been there and listened to the griping and hurt you felt because of the situation with the other kids, even when I did not agree I bit my tongue and sometimes sugar-coated what I said. I have had to listen to both sides of the situation from siblings and you and mom and just fought hard to have a relationship with both parents and not be on the outs because I talked to one or the other.

Grandma/Nana was sick. Family so worried that she may not make it, and yet you told people you did not know how to get a hold of me? What is that all about? My phone numbers have not changed since moving here, my email has not changed, you know I am on Facebook, MySpace, and Yahoo Messenger. Why would you say you do not know how to contact me? That is my grandmother, whether you are angry with me or not. She may have made me angry in the past, and she may have stopped talking to all of us when you and mom divorced, but she is still my grandmother and I still care about her and love her and would like to know that she is OK.

I can't say I am angry with you over not talking to me, just disappointed that you would not confront me on what you are angry about. I am angry that you took it out on my husband and my children. George thinks of you as a father. He looks up to you, he laughs with you, he looks forward to talking to you. He deployed and you could not even call to say goodbye and be safe. He was worried about you last week and emailed, and you could not even write him back. You have grandchildren and a great-grandchild. 3 of your grandchildren are old enough to know who you are, where you live, what you look like, what you sound like and have formed a relationship with you. Do you not think they notice you never call, write, email, send a card? They are children. You are the adult. You cut them out of your life because you are angry with their mother?! Why do you do this?

I would never expect any answers from you. I definitely do not want to argue over the answers I might get. I just had to write things I am feeling and let out some of my frustrations. I am sure I did not let out as much as I could, but I have been working on not sticking my foot in my mouth and not being an ass to those around me. "Wisdom is having lots to say and not saying it."

I do hope all is well with you and with Patty. I do hope Nana is doing much better. When or if you decide you would like to talk, to any of us here, the numbers are all still the same.

I love you.


carzy said...

Good mind, good find. ....................................................

Jen said...

I'm so proud that you were able to write all your feelings down. I need to do the same with my brother and mom. Can I just cut and paste yours? lol. Keep your chin up, you are slowly on your way.