Thursday, October 22, 2009

October = Terrible Month

This month seems to be just plain awful for me. It just needs to be over again already. My birthday came and went without much of anything...I was miserable. I did go to dinner with Kerry and had endless shrimp, which was yummy and a nice break from the kids. Kerry and I spend alot of time together with the guys gone, but it may be too much of a good thing? Disagreements and on each others nerves, ya know...can put a damper on a friendship. I don't want that to happen so I think I will back off.

G being in Iraq does not make life easier. He has made inquiries about my feelings towards him going back into the Infantry and going back to Bragg. That is a stresser in itself. Do you see how many Infantry guys are getting killed in Afghanistan? That is where he will go if we go back to Bragg. He has also been formally accused by the CSM of inappropriate behavior with a female soldier that he goes to the gym with, eats with, and hangs out with. Did I think things were OK...yeah! Was I worried...NO! Am I, just pissed at the whole thing. He has always said that once he got this rank, he wasn't going to sit quietly by...well, he is. That is just plain frustrating to me. While at Bragg, for years he took the bullshit and it use to piss me off day in and day out. It seems that it is starting all over again, yet this time it has a little more at stake.

I need to just separate myself from him and his work. I need to just stay out of it, not know anything, let the FRG stuff go, and just try to do what I do all day and that is wait to talk to him and deal with kids. You know, there are times I am so jealous of him being there...lets go to the gym and for a run because I am stressed...yeah sure. That would be so nice to do...but then I get to come back to the same stuff that is stressing me out and have nothing changed so what was the use?! Yes, think of him, feel for him, he is in danger, he can be shot at and mortared....screw me sitting on the sidelines.

Today has been a crappy day. It is only half over. He is asleep. Zach is sick. Jordan is at practice. Katie is still at school. I am sitting on my ass. Go me!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

So it;'s my birthday...and I had a horrid night!

So yeah, the night ended last night and the day beginning with me in tears and miserable wanting to be alone. I got onto AKO to talk to my husband, wishing he were here and not in Iraq so that I could just curl up with him and feel some comfort. I think that even through the bawling tears I managed to express my feelings quite well. It helps to write them down, right? Be forewarned, there is inappropriate language.

I am sitting her bawling my eyes out on my bedroom floor where i have been for an hour...after bawling while scrubbing cat piss out of the carpet. cat piss i found while tossing shit in Katie's room looking for markers, crayons, pencils, anything like that after she wrote on her bedroom wall and washing it took the paint off; after she took apart all those corker hair bows I made last summer and got into my tacky glue and was gluing the curly ribbon to her closet wall..while cleaning that mess up finding all the cut up barbie hair and water, glue spilled, rotten apples, more pissed on stuff, trash, pudding cups, 2 spoons.....the glue would have been gotten while one of 2 boys sat at the computer and she took it from one sees anything. no one does anything unless harped on. notes and lists get ignored. they watch me do it all. i am tired, i am tired of being alone, tired of feeling used and hurt, tired about worrying how to feed, clothe and provide for my ungrateful kids who think nothing of me. how do i keep hot water and heat, how do i pay for the uniforms and equipment and drivers ed, how do i manage to pay for more sports, play taxi, let them be kids...when do i get adult time and me time and just have things run smoothly. when will i get my husband when i need him the fucking most? WHEN

how much deeper do i have to fall? do i need to go completely nuts for people to see that i am hurting and crying and feel like a piece of shit everyday and that is why i want to sit alone ya'll want me to leave? say i don;t want to be here anymore? i am only one fucking person and i have all these people around me and i am so fucking alone

i just don't understand how i can give every piece of me to my family and they give nothing back. do i not deserve it? i get laughed at snickered at faces made at mumbled to and about told i am hated. i do everything and give every part of me to every person in this house except me and no one sees that i sacrifice myself daily just to make everyone else happy.

it isn;t money and things it is love and respect and acknowledgment. something i never get. it takes its toll and i can't seem to keep the shit rolling off my back anymore. i have been in tears for nearly 2 hours. i would not let alyssa touch me while scrubbing the floor on my knees. i just want to be acknowledged and loved and respected and not when it benefits everyone else. i need help i have needs just like everyone else but i am so busy dealing with everyone elses needs that i don;t take care of my own and no one ever takes care of mine for me

I am angry at myself for being so weak and angry at our family for obviously the lack of respect in this house goes unseen by everyone and i did not raise my children to be this way. I thought I didn't anyway...but maybe that was wishful thinking on my part. I have known you love me and I have known you would let me do whatever i wanted if i said i wanted it, but it is nice to really be cared for and respected now. I just wish my children could see it too.. I have been beaten down and I am still falling it seems. last March I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life and my kids finding me is what stopped me...but I have to ask, would they care? Yeah, they would, but why? Because there will be no mom here to bitch to, clean up after them, cook for them, hand out money, have their back, baby them, love them...or would it be because they actually love and respect me and all I do for them?

To my hubby: I want and need you desperately but the Army does not care about that. I want to curl up in a ball right now and make everything go away...