Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy New Year! NOT

So the first day of the new year and I started off with hearing Zach cussing to “get out of his fucking room” to Katie then banging on the wall because Jordan flushed the toilet…mind you it was after noon. When he did get up he was complaining of something downstairs and I told all of them they needed to get upstairs and clean their rooms and I got the famous “whatever” from him. That just threw me into a tissy…I am so sick of living day to day having a normal child when on his meds and a spouting one when he is not. He was just gonna go upstairs and get into bed and stay there rather than doing anything, so I tossed the pillows, sheets, comforters and mattresses down the stairs and said have at it! I also gave him all the information I have on Jim, ssn, last phone number, his parents address, and Jim’s last gig he did in Portland. I told him that if he were so unhappy to leave…he then told me I needed the doctor and I have anger problems and that after I kick him out the family will hate me and think I have issues so I told him I did not care what the family thinks of me and if they think so poorly of me why does he not call them and tell them his story and say he needs a place to live?! He told me I am a liar that I go to Walmart and craft stores and spend money but when they want something I tell them we have no money. I am not allowed the pleasures of doing anything for myself, it is all for them of nothing at all it seems. So, I took all he got for Christmas. He does not deserve it. He has continued to do whatever he pleases all day and cares nothing about anything anyone has to say. So be it.

Jordan is clearly just trying to avoid home whenever possible. When he is here, I am telling them to do chores or they are fighting. That is all that seems to go on in this house between the kids…and the chores are a joke. No one does anything without being told and then it is a blame game of who has not done it lately or who made the mess. Jordan’s mouth just tells me he is fed up, and I do not blame him, but I don’t want to hear it either.

Katie has become a small Zach when throwing her fits and the name calling and yelling. It is so glorious to have them both in the same household at times. She is definitely ADHD and I want so much to not have her that way. I don’t want to deal with all the same troubles I have had to deal with over the past 10 years.

As I sat listening to Zach tell me about how I needed help after coming downstairs and sitting here today I realized how unhappy I really am and really that I do need some help. I can not imagine doing anything else but being right here all the time. Thinking of what would happen to my kids, husband, the schools, the bills if I were not around. I sat and thought that is really what needs to happen; maybe I need to go away, be locked up! I am happy when G and I area alone together and sitting here or going somewhere, but HELLO!!! We are not alone and will not be for at least 12 years! I need to be happy all the time.

Look at it this way…who does the school contact for illness, report cards, money needed, IEP meetings, suspension or detentions? Who has attended almost every school function, conference, teacher meetings, corresponding emails? Who prepares for the school year, does the list making and the question asking about classes, teachers, any issues? Who cleans up after everything daily? Dishes, counters, endless laundry? Yes, G does a lot. But not daily! Who grocery shops and makes sure that there is food, even if it isn’t what people want; who turns on the utilities, pays the utilities, starts and stops allotments, makes sure that everyone has soap, razors, underwear? Yes, G is the breadwinner, but hey, who had to give up their job to care for their child? I could have kept the job and been fine I suppose, but then I would feel guilty like I always do when I am not there for my kids and husband at all times. That is why I have never worked during the summer because I would hate for them to think that we could not go to the beach or the pool or do whatever during their vacation time! Always thinking of them and not myself!

So, I have come to the conclusion today that I really need someone to talk to and new meds and time alone. I am blowing up like a balloon, have no care to sleep or when I am asleep to wake up. I look like shit and just don’t care..I could stay in pajamas all day. I have not been on the computer in forever and didn’t miss it just like I hate hearing the phone ring and don’t miss talking to anyone either. I miss friends, and I miss being able to just go do something. My photography hobby has pretty well wandered away since I have nothing that really interests me to take pictures of. I am suppose to start working for Jackson Hewitt next week and I really just could care less and have no desire to do it. I am going to quit the fire department as well…the EMT program…just isn’t for me. I may just quit cadets too since Zach seems to think that if he does not go to everything at the fire department that I should not be there either because he is the one that got started in it. And, if no one shows up on the 8th for Girl Scouts, I will be stepping down from that as well. Then it will be me in the house as normal! Lol

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