Monday, May 19, 2008

My Life Lately

Well, things here in the house are a mess in my mind. First, if you do not read G's blogs on MySpace, he went to neuro-surgery on Monday. He had an MRI at the request of his doc to update the status of his compression fracture in his back and was then told he wanted him to be seen by neuro. They requested a more extensive MRI, so after that hour plus long endeavor, he got his consult. Come to find out, us thinking he was going to neuro for the old injury and his pain really was a referral due to him having a cyst on his spinal cord. Nice, huh?! The best part is, the doc says, "well, you aren't showing any signs of spinal cord pressure or numbness, so we will just not worry about it." That is not sitting well with G...a person that does not worry about his medical issues is rather frazzled about this. He did ask about his other pain and was told "oh, you need to see someone else about that." So, he is waiting to see his regular doc on the 29th and get a referral to an orthopedic doc. He also wants to get copies of the MRI results and such because he said that he saw mention of other areas in his back on the MRI notes as the doc was scrolling he wants to know what is going on with his back, all of it! Me too for that matter! He is in pain, I hate to have him popping pills and needing to sleep because he hurts. Surgery will leave him with a different pain, as we have learned with his shoulder surgeries and his ankle surgery...and not sure either one of us want to see what type of pain he would live with after a back surgery; which pain would be better or worse....

Me....well, I have good days and bad days. I have positive thoughts, wants, desires, and needs in my head and on my mind. I have taken alot of time off the computer, alot of time off the phone, time away from TV and trying to sit with the family rather than by myself. I just get very frustrated listening to the complaining and fighting and arguing or looking at the messes around me, that I can only seem to take so much "family time" before I go hide away. I really wanted to go to Vegas with Ang and Kathy...that just was not in the cards for me...a mom taking 4-days to herself?! HA! For some reason I would rather spend the money on ungrateful children and food that gets thrown to the racoons instead of eaten after it is cooked or heck, even bought! I did ask for the days off at work just in case I went, and I got them, so we are going to go camping least that is the plan. I have still met no friends, well, I have a phone number of a lady right down the road, but I have yet to get up the nerve to call her and chit chat or make friends. My esteem seems to be in the toilet again. I have 3 songs from the new Leann Rimes CD that fit me to a "T" right now...if you have not heard it, I suggest picking it up! Very fulfilling.

Work is my place to escape these days. I love to go in, but now it comes down to worrying aout Katie when I go. I found I really liked the 7-3 shift but that means I have to leave before Katie and Jordan leave for school, which I didn't like because I am so afraid they will miss the bus. The shift itself is good though, it goes fast and I can spend sunshine and the evening at home which is nice to be able to have a dinner at a normal time and do things. I have only gotten one of those shifts, I have 2 next week though. My shifts usually run until 6 -8 or start about 5 and go til 9-11. Those now will be a factor for me due to my children and their behavior issues and attitudes...that will be another paragraph though...LOL. I do not like the 8.5 - 9.5 hr shifts as much as I like the 5-6 hr shifts though. My back and shoulder do not like the last 2 hours of the shift. So, I have been contemplating asking for different hours for several different reasons, and I am nervous becuase summer is coming, and I have never been away from my children like this. I did also put in for a different position at WalMart...we will see how that goes.

OK, kids. Beginning here is gonna get me worked up, so I went in to other things first. All of you know that I do not and have never claimed to be perfect as a parent...I am far from it. I have asked for help, I have feared what others think, I have been ridiculed and avoided and even ignored due to my child-rearing and voicing of my issues. Well, this will be one of those times of warning for you...if you do not wish to hear it, do not like my views, please don't read this purple section! So, here goes! First, gonna start by my disciplinging or lack there of. I have hit the kids, so much less than they should have been through the years, and it shows. Spanking is not wrong in my book, just draw the line from spanking and abuse. I know that line. Have I come close, yes, do I admit it, yes. But, with that said, my children can probably count the amount of times they have had my hand on them, to include Alyssa. I tried time outs, but I seem to have some very head-strong children with major attitudes and I have not enough willpower to stick with it. Same with grounding and taking things away. My boys really have no toys...why? because they either get them taken from them due to misbehaving or they just outright break them. Do they care, nope! Alyssa at one piont had everything she owned taken from her room with the exception of know what, she didn't care...she just shook it off and went on her own way. Well, I am really at that point and then some. Katie is a free-willed child just like the rest, our biggest issues with her seem to be wanting to be more grown and going to play without telling us, sneaking out when in trouble to play, and she has that "attitude" like the rest of my kids with the "I won't do that or you can't make me and now the I hate this family" the last coming from her older brother! I have found a few ways of dealing with her lately though and she has not been too happy with them, so we shall see how that goes. Jordan is still an a$$. He is "popular" with the girls and a few boys, has always been that way and known it. His grades are now in the tubes. The problem with that is he does the work and turns it in (unlike the previous 2) but he does a cruddy job so gets a bad grade. There is no way to correct that! It isn't like it was not turned in so he got a zero and if it gets turned in he brings up his overall. Turning in half-assed work gives you a crappy grade with no room to bring it up! He is all about himself too. Zach complains how Jordan dows nothing in the room, nothing for "chores" and he doesn't. He will pick up a thing or two, wash silverware but nothing else, pick up half of a room or vacuum around the stuff on the floor and complain that we say he does nothing or complain when we tell him he could have done more, better, or did it wrong. We are all soooooo sick of licstening to his golden butt complain! He really needs to pull his head out of his butt and get in the family all the time not just when he wants to do something or needs something. Mother's Day, he wanted to take me to lacey to "walk around the strip mall" but come to find out, he wanted to go to Sportsman's...was not really about "Mom". Now to Zach. Well, the more we think he gets better and has grown and matured, the faster he turns that thought around. He is at the age of I need to cuss to fit in, the word "whatever" just ticks me off. Well, now I have finally come to the end of the Mom portion of this. He fianlly put his hands on me. He did not hurt me, but he grabbed me and quickly released, but it still is in my head. Yes, I guess you can say I brought it on, I slapped him for cussing at me. I am sick of hearing it, I do not deserve the crap that comes out of his mouth. I am so sick of hearing the crap of sending him to the hospital in the 5th grade...I did it because the school forced me into a corner, but you know what, I do not regret it, I actually wish it had been longer and they had forced him to participate rather than let him close himself off. I actually wish someone would be able to get into him now that he is digging himself into a hole with his choices in school, at home, with his social life or lack there of...because he is going to have no life if he does not come to realize what decisions he is making and the concequenses that come with them. He has been given detention this week for hiding 6 English books from a teacher last week and even after being sent to the office and getting ISS refusing to tell them where until he realized it was lunchtime and he would have to spend it in ISS. Then he told. Well, he claims he is not going to detention. I can see a flare up tomorrow over it or he will just come home and not go and I will get the "tattle-taling" call from the school. He claims he is going to tell the school I wanted to kill myself in March and they will take me to a mental hospital where i need to be since I put him in one. I am stressed out because I yell at them to do things according to him. According to him, he should not have to do chores because he watches Katie when I work...about 3 hours a day 3 days a week tops unless G has duty, which is 1-2 times a month. But, when he "watches" her it really is not what he is doing, when he is at the lake and she is at home answering the phone (Jordan is here though) but that is his take on what he should and should not be doing and life here at home. Nice, huh?!

Home....very warm this weekend which in return was very nice for my spirits. Walk into my home and you see a bar full of essentially junk and trash. The kitchen has a sink full of dishes, the trash can lid needs to be cleaned because food on the lid does not get cleaned off when it happens. The dining room table still has the chairs on it from me washing the carpets on Tuesday, and a very dirty spot where Katie eats as well as school papers and pencils. The couches are clean witht he exception of 2 baskets of Katie's clothes that I have to put one else understands the hanging concept of the specific drawers for specific tyes of clothing (organization). The floor has the stuff Katie threw in from the yard last bathroom/guest bathroom, well, I scrubbed it a week ago, but you can not tell, heck, you can't see the floor through all their dirty laundry. The laundry room needs to be swept, but there is only about 1 load to be done in there. Their room, I have no clue, cause I refuse to look at the clothing all over, the trash, the unmade beds, multiple blankets...Katie's room is a disaster, but that is from me cleaning the carpets and needing to go through and find out what the smell is and toss the trash and broken toys. My room is the place to shove the needless stuff. Easy to clean though. Guess the biggest thing is the normal every day stuff that no one seems to see or do at least without being told or heck even after being told not doing it. Wiping down a counter or table, taking out the garbage, picking up the clothing, removing the shoes from the entryway...putting the folded towels or their own clothes away, sweeping up whatever you dropped on the floor, vacuuming the white carpet of the pine needles and dirt brought in from your shoes...just the normal every day stuff that we all see but no one wants to Friday being trash day but mom did not tell them and mom did not do it because she had to leave the house in a rush, so it never went out to the curb, therefore this week we will get charged for an extra can!

So, there is my life in a nutshell lately. Well, other than business endeavors in which I pretty much do not think you all want to read about. If you do, you can read about them on my blogspot ( ) or just ask me info. Yes, there is another one rather than Melaleuca, and this one is directed more towards the business and business professional than the home maker, but it can awesomely be utilized in the home as well. I just have been so wound up in the family and WalMart that I have slacked on my mentoring and building of it. That will change soon...I just have to get that one first sale and I will have the confidence to move forward.

Anyway, if you have gotten this far, I commend you! I have written a book! But, I have been stressing since yesterday afternoon and I really needed to get it out. Have a great day!


Jen said...

Barb, wow not sure what to say but I'll try and offer you some advice.
Go buy some black trash bags and put them in the middle of each room. Whatever is on the floor of the kids room gets thrown in it. If that means clothes, well so be it. They are old enough to clean there own room, hang up clothes and put them away.
Next stop driving them anywhere. If they need a ride, well then I guess if there chores are done then you'll think about it. All the kids should have chores to do. They all live under that roof so that means everyone needs to chip in. If the attitudes also keep up, I wouldn't lift a finger for any of them. If they can respect you then they don't deserve it back. They need to remember they are the children you are the adult. If they know it already then have them move out and try to survive on there own. Kids forget that they have it really good.
Start to do for yourself. Us Mom's do deserve time to ourselves. On your next day off go get a pedicure or a massage. I'm glad to hear you are spending family time but not sure what price you are paying for that since it doesn't seem to be helping.
Good luck hun and I'm here if you need to vent!

karthika said...

very nice...

aegan stills, songs